Damn the Details!
Here’s the the first sentence of a case study recently published by Pillsbury Winthrop:
Leading AmLaw 50 law firm Pillsbury Winthrop Shaw Pittman steered the Queen Mary and its operators through the choppy waters of bankruptcy, and into calmer seas when it helped negotiate a $43 million sale of the famous ocean liner, which now functions as a historic hotel, museum and entertainment venue, and the surrounding 55 acres where it is permanently docked in Long Beach, California to a group of investors known as “Save the Queen.”
Unlike most articles published by most big law firms, which tend to be strictly factual, this one makes effective use of metaphor, with the sea representing the financial world (so to say). And that helps engage readers, who don’t particularly enjoy the fact-after-fact-after-fact style used for so many law firm publications.
But — at 74 words — it’s one heck of a long sentence, and it deals with far too many topics. That, plus its score on the Flesch Reading Ease scale is an astonishing 0.0.
Let’s see what an editor might do with this to make it more readable:
Pillsbury Winthrop Shaw Pittman took the helm and guided the Queen Mary and its operators through the choppy waters of bankruptcy and into calmer seas when it helped negotiate a $43 million lease of the famous ocean liner. Now a tourist attraction and a floating hotel with a half-dozen restaurants, the ship was leased to a group of investors known as “Save the Queen.”
Now we have two sentences, and the longest has 38 words.
How does the edited version score on the Flesch Reading Ease scale? A respectable: 44.9.
And the edited version doesn’t claim that the investors bought the Queen Mary, as does the original. The investors didn’t buy the ship, which is still owned by the city of Long Beach. They leased it.
A small detail? Yes, but do people pay big bucks to big firms to ignore details big or small?
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Yes, I know. The edited version doesn’t contain as much information as the original. For instance, there’s no mention of the “surrounding 55 acres.”
But the opening sentence to a piece like this doesn’t need too much detail. That can be provided later.
What the opening needs to do is give readers an overview, and get them interested enough to continue reading.
